Ladies and gentlemen...
...boys and girls...
...we welcome you this evening...
...to the greatest, the most authentic...
...Wild West Show in America!
So hang on...
...to your hats and boots...
...or your loved one's hand.
Let us take you back to a time...
...when the cowboys and Indians roamed our great land!
And now, for our first act this evening...
...Chief Big Eagle...
...the great-great grandson of the great Apache Indian chief, Geronimo...
...will perform his legendary Rattlesnake Dance...
...that no white man has ever seen before!
And that's for sure!
Chief Big Eagle!
I'm awful scared, Bronco Billy.
Everybody's a little nervous their first night in show business.
You just do what we rehearsed and everything will be fine.
Yeah, but I'm awful scared, Bronco Billy.
Take a swig of this, it'll make you feel great.
The Chief got bit again by the rattlesnake.
Damn!
Running Water took him to their truck and gave him a shot of Doc's Snake Bite.
I don't know why he can't just do the Great Apache Flaming Arrow Act.
Didn't you tell him to use the gopher snake?
I did, but he's a proud Indian.
The only good Indian is a dead Indian.
Let's go, girl.
How about it?
How about a big hand for Lasso Leonard James?
The greatest rope artist in the West!
And now, ladies and gentlemen...
...it is my privilege and honor...
...to present to you this evening...
...the greatest trick shooter...
...the fastest draw...
...the toughest hombre...
...the one and only Bronco Billy McCoy!
How about it?
Terrific!
Thank you, folks. Thank you, my little pardners out there.
Always great to be back in Montana and see all of our friends.
Now I'd like to introduce you to my new assistant.
It's her first night in the big tent.
So how about a big Montana welcome for Miss Mitzi Fritts.
Throw up the plates.
Throw up another plate.
How about it, ladies and gentlemen? Bronco Billy!
And now I want all of you settlers...
...and all of you little pardners...
...to sit tight...
...because Bronco Billy is getting ready to do...
...his death-defying "Wheel of Fortune" shootout!
Are those real bullets?
It's a special buckshot. It doesn't go too far.
But don't worry, I never miss.
Miss Mitzi, would you like a blindfold?
No, Bronco Billy.
You're the best shot in the Old West.
Very well, but I will wear one.
Are you ready, Miss Mitzi?
Yes, Bronco Billy.
All right.
Spin the wheel.
How much money we got in the kitty?
$19 and some change.
Nobody can ever say we're getting rich.
I'll just be glad when we get to the next town.
That's good, too. But, I...
If something's sticking in your craw, why don't you just spit it out?
Me and the boys have been with you down the road through hell and high water.
If there's a fight, we stick together, right?
We know you've done the same for us.
Doc, if it's about that little gal...
...you know how hard it is to find a good assistant nowadays.
You tell the boys that I'll find us an angel...
...who will make us proud to have her in the show.
Heck, they understand about all that, Billy, but...
What the hell are you talking about?
You know the boys love you and so do I...
...but unless we get paid, we have to quit because it's been six months.
What's going on?
Get out of my truck, you yellow-bellied sidewinders!
- It's raining! - Get out!
What in tarnation is he all heated up about?
I just told him we was all gonna quit unless we got paid!
Why'd you tell him while it was raining?
Get out of my truck, you ingrates!
- Don't you swear at my wife, Boss! - Get out of my truck!
We never should have elected you to tell him in the first place!
What are you talking about? We drew straws and I lost. Remember?
Yeah.
So it's money you want, huh?
I'm not gonna have a pack of wolves snapping at my heels for money!
You think when I look at the faces of those little pardners smiling in the audience...
...I'm thinking about money?
All the good times we've been through, and all the bad times...
...it breaks my heart to think that the only reason you came with me was for money!
I thought I had the best bunch, but I guess I've been dealt a crooked hand!
It ain't what you're thinking!
Nobody wants to quit the outfit.
I ain't had enough money to go into a bar and buy a girl a drink in over a month!
You think I have?
You promised I'd have enough money to buy a wooden hand this year!
You shouldn't have blowed that hand off! I told you that shotgun act wouldn't work!
Running Water and I want to buy a new bed.
We're tired of sleeping on straw.
You two would still be in the reservation drinking bad whiskey if it wasn't for me.
I'm sick of being on the wagon and I'm sick of drinking plain water.
We all know what you used to do for a drink and we forgive you for it.
If you want to go back to wool blankets and dirty sheets, it's all right with me.
I need new ropes.
You young cowpunchers today don't take care of your gear.
I've told you a hundred times, wrap your ropes after every show!
I know my job!
Then know it better! You hear?
Why don't we get back in the truck and get on down the trail?
We're getting hungry!
I say we get it over, right now!
Nobody wants it over!
How about the rest of you?
You're right, Boss.
Running Water and I owe you our lives.
Where would I go?
But soon as we get some money, I'll get some ropes.
You're all gonna get what you want, I promise you.
I save every dime, every nickel that goes into that little tin box.
One day we'll get that ranch we want, so city kids could come out...
...and see what cowboys and Indians are really like.
Then we can all settle down.
You're the best bunch of wranglers in America, don't you ever forget it.
You ride with Bronco Billy, the fastest draw in the West.
Now let's hit the trail.
I'll go get the permit.
You all go get something to eat.
All right, Mr. Arlington, if you will both sign right there and pay me $10...
...then you can go upstairs to Judge Carbon's office and be married.
Darling...
Thank you.
Darling!
Don't walk so fast!
I shall walk as fast as I please.
Light me.
Antoinette, darling...
...you know how much I love you.
Please, John, let's not be maudlin.
But I do love you, my pet.
We need each other.
I need to marry someone...
...anyone, before Saturday, when I reach the disgusting age of 30...
...or I shall lose many wonderful millions of dollars my daddy left me.
And you need my money.
I know you're as broke as these vulgar Idaho farmers...
...so let's not talk about love...
...and get this thing over with as painlessly as possible.
Is there an auto mechanic on duty?
- What's the problem? - I believe my engine's burning up.
Pop the hood.
Just exactly how long is this going to take?
There's a hole in your radiator the size of a potato.
Repair it!
It won't be ready till tomorrow.
What?
Tomorrow?
Got to make a trip into town to pick up a new radiator.
I'll pay you double what you normally get, if you'll have it repaired by tonight.
I could sure use the extra money...
...but your car won' be ready till tomorrow.
Marvelous! You and your rented limousines.
Why in the hell did we get married in Idaho?
I thought Sun Valley would be a good place for a honeymoon.
I just want to get back to New York!
You want her fixed?
Sometimes she makes me so mad, I could kill her!
Stick 'em up or I'll plug you!
I ought to have the whole bunch of you strung up for cattle-rustling!
We just wanted to talk to Bronco Billy.
All right, turn around, nice and easy!
You little pards played hooky from school just to come see me?
Look at his guns!
He really is Bronco Billy!
Put your hands down.
Are you really the fastest gun in the West?
Ain't nobody faster than Bronco Billy.
I don't take kindly to kids playing hooky from school.
I think every kid in America should go to school at least up to eighth grade.
But we don't go to school today. It's Saturday.
I'd been riding late last night.
A man's brain gets kind of fuzzy when he's been on the range.
I'll tell you what.
Because you're such good hearted, little cowboys and cowgirls...
...and you say your prayers each night...
...I'll give you one free ticket each to the greatest Wild West Show on Earth.
I want you to bring your folks tonight, huh?
- Thanks! - You're welcome.
Don't come late. You might not get a seat.
- Billy, where are you heading? - I'm going into town.
I got to find a woman who can shoot like Annie Oakley...
...ride like Belle Starr, and who ain't afraid of nothing.
I hope you find one, but be careful.
Are you Bronco Billy?
I sure am, ma'am.
You sure got a neat car.
Woman, what's your name?
Dolores. Dolores Duke.
It's pleasure meeting you, Miss Dolores.
Would you like to go for a little ride, when you get off work?
Jesus!
I'm certainly glad someone is enjoying our honeymoon.
You really should've come to the Wild West Show, darling.
It was wonderfully corny.
You would've gotten a big laugh out of it.
Turn out your light. I want to go to bed.
Yes, dear.
Aren't you...
...going to wash that stuff off your face?
I shall wash my face when I want to wash my face.
Will you take your wet tongue out of my ear?
- But I'm your husband. - That doesn't give you license to maul me!
You frigid spinster!
If you had any blood in your veins, you'd know what to do!
No wonder you've never gotten married.
Are you finished with your little speech?
Honey, I just want to make you happy.
But you frustrate me to no end.
Finished?
Yes.
If you ever lay a hand on me again, without first asking my permission...
...I shall cut you out of my universe! Starting at the bank!
Yes, dear.
Darling.
May I put my hand on your breast?
No!
Wait here. I'm gonna go cash a $3 check.
All right.
Watch yourself.
- Be back in a minute. - Right.
Thank you, sir.
Cash a check here?
$3?
Yeah. I'd like it in two singles and four quarters.
No, wait a second, make that two quarters and five dimes.
What's it gonna be, fella?
It's a stickup!
Everybody up against the wall. You, too, Tex!
- Tex? - Come on, move!
Wow!
Do hurry, I want to take my bath.
I hope your rented limousine's been repaired.
Oh, my God!
Hello? I've been robbed!
"News Beat 7", Mr. Bronco.
Bronco Billy's the name.
Me and my Wild West Show are camped off of I-80.
When did you feel it was time to take action?
It's always time to take action when there's danger.
I want to invite you pardners to come and see Bronco Billy's Wild West Show.
Right off of I-80.
Here's Mr. Collarton, manager of the bank.
I want to shake your hand and I want to thank you...
The first show is at 7:30 and I want you to come and see Bronco Billy...
...the quickest draw, fastest shot, quickest hombre this side of the Pecos.
Right out off of I-80.
Hello!
How charming!
Attendant!
Attendant! You, there!
Heard you the first time.
Did my husband, the man in the limousine...
...did he say when he'd be back?
No.
Could I use your telephone?
It's right outside there. It works on dimes.
My husband seems to be playing a little joke on me. He's taken my purse.
Run off, has he?
Could you lend me a dime? I just want to dial the operator.
No.
Why not?
'Cause I ain't got a dime.
But you have a telephone!
It works on dimes.
Why don't you take a dime out of your stupid little cash register...
...and let me use it to call the operator? I'll give it right back to you.
Ain't mine to give.
Nice looking, ain't she?
At my age, that's about all I can do is look.
She live around here?
Her husband run off and left her this morning.
The man's got to be a fool to run off and leave something like that.
Maybe, maybe not.
Sir, you have a good day.
Same to you, young feller.
Good morning, ma'am.
Can I be of service to you?
Yes.
Would you be kind enough to lend me a dime?
Sure. Come on across the street, that's where I keep my money, in my truck.
Coming?
My name is Bronco Billy McCoy. And yours?
Bronco. What an amusing name.
My friends call me Billy.
Come and get it!
Where's the dime you promised me?
- I wanted an orange soda. - I wanted a strawberry.
Boys, this is...
Antoinette Lily.
Miss Antoinette Lily.
You're the prettiest assistant the boss ever hired.
I sure hope you can ride better than the last gal.
Wait! Wait!
Chief Big Eagle and his wife, Lorraine Running Water.
Miss Antoinette Lily.
All right, boys. We got to get moving. Let's get to work.
What an honor.
The dime!
I wanted a Dr. Pepper.
Doc Lynch, this is Miss Antoinette Lily.
Welcome to Bronco Billy's Wild West Show.
I hope you'll be happy with us.
Quit chewing the fat, we've got work to do.
We'll talk later, my dear.
Yeah.
You'll be paid a good wage for an honest day's work.
Room and board are free.
You promised me a dime!
Do you ride?
Ride? You mean a horse?
This dime will be deducted from your first week's salary.
Now, go ahead and make your call.
We got to hit the trail.
You sure are pretty.
Operator, thank God you're there!
I'd like to place a collect call to New York. Area code 212-966-7058.
To Mrs. Irene Lily.
- "Your name", "please?" - This is Antoinette Lily.
"I'm sorry", "that line is busy." Would you like to try later?
Yes!
Damn you! Give me back my dime!
This isn't happening.
Would you drive me to the next town?
Certainly, ma'am.
I tell you that John Arlington has murdered my helpless little stepdaughter.
I never should've let them marry.
- What could you have done? - Well, I am the family attorney.
All of his wives seem to disappear so mysteriously.
Now, don't go getting yourself upset.
Edgar, what will become of me if she has met her end?
If that is the case...
...you are next in line for her departed father's fortune.
I just want her back, safe in my arms.
But we both know Antoinette would want me to carry on, chin up.
I'll call the police immediately.
You're such a comfort.
"We're barroom buddies and that's the best kind
"Nobody fools with a buddy of mine
"I laugh when you're happy I cry when you're blue"
Must you sing that disgusting music?
Would you want to sing a duet of "Barroom Buddies"?
No, I don't want to sing a duet of "Barroom Buddies".
If I'd known you were going to the next town...
...instead of the one nearest the motel, I would've never gotten into this vehicle.
It must be tough having the man you love run off with another woman.
It'll be better now that you are with the show.
My husband did not run off with another woman.
I have no intention of working in your show.
- Were you messing with another man? - No, I wasn't messing with another man.
Furthermore, my life is not your concern!
You'll wake up Doc.
Don't tell me what to do!
I'm your boss and don't you forget it.
You are nothing but an illiterate cowboy.
Nobody ever talks that way to Bronco Billy.
Take your hands off me!
You'd better get in. It's a long way to the next town.
What happened to Miss Lily?
I threw her out on the road.
I'll have him thrown in jail for the rest of his life for kidnapping!
Who does he think he is, treating me this way?
He's Bronco Billy, the best friend a man ever had...
...besides his wife.
Best friend? He hasn't understood a word I've said to him all day!
The boss has a lot of responsibilities running the show.
When do we get to the next village?
Just try to get some shut eye, Miss Lily.
How dare he put his hands on me!
Nobody says that about a cowboy!
Miss Lily, I thought you left us last night.
Well, that lunatic tried to kill me.
He's a very good man once you know him.
Where are we?
We put on a lot of shows for orphanages and hospitals throughout the country.
Children! Children!
Let's all have our lunch and then we can thank Bronco Billy...
...for his Wild West Show.
Billy, I hope you and your friends will join us for lunch and prayer.
If you don't mind a few sinners at the table, ma'am.
We'd love to, thank you.
All right, boys, let's take a break, have some chow.
I realize you ain't with the show, but...
...you're welcome to have lunch with us.
Would Bronco Billy give the prayer?
Lord, we ask You to forgive us for our sins...
...and we want to thank you, Lord, for the great chow...
...food that we're having here today.
We ask You, Lord, to look after these little cowboys and cowgirls...
...and show them the way to a good life, so they don't get tangled up with...
...hard liquor and cigarettes.
Amen.
Sister, may I use your telephone?
I'm sorry, we don't have a telephone. We can't afford one.
Exactly how much do you pay Mr. Bronco for this performance?
Pay?
Billy and his friends come here every year. They make the children happy...
...but they don't get paid.
I said to One-Eyed Charlie, this famous desperado:
"If you mess with me, you should make peace with the Lord...
"...'cause I'm faster and tougher than you, you dirty varmint."
What did he do to make you so mad, Bronco Billy?
He talked dirty about my mother.
So you killed One-Eyed Charlie?
I didn't, but I shot his holsters right off his hips.
You should never kill a man unless it's absolutely necessary.
May I speak with you for a moment?
Sure. See you in a little bit.
- Thanks for the show, Bronco Billy. - You're welcome.
You promised to take me to the next town.
Tell you what I'll do.
I'll take you to the next town and you work the first show for me...
...till I can get a replacement. Then you're on your own. Deal?
Deal!
Buster and I come riding in after Doc announces me...
...then I ride around the arena here doing my tricks.
When I announce you, you'll come out here and walk up to this table.
Then, I'll nod my head and you pick up two plates.
When I ride by you, throw up the first plate...
...count to three and then throw up the second plate. Got that?
I'll show you what it looks like when the plates go off.
No problem.
It takes hours of practice to learn to do that.
Mighty fine shooting, Miss Lily!
Beginner's luck.
Where on earth did you learn how to shoot like that?
Haven't you got something better to do than hang around like a dog in heat?
As a matter of fact, I do.
Excellent.
You don't do the shooting around here, I do that.
All right.
Now pretend I've done all my tricks.
I'll come back...
...I'll get on Buster...
...and we ride around the arena.
I'll come right around here.
I'll swing down and pick you up and you slide right on in back of me.
You what?
You reach your arm out and I lift you right up in back of me.
That's all I have to do?
That's all you have to do.
What happens if I fall?
Trust me.
Trust?
If you can't get it right, we'll go over and over it until you do get it right.
No problem.
All right, here I come.
"No problem"?
Hello, Eloise.
- Mrs. Lily in? - I'll tell her you are here.
- Mr. Lipton is here to see you, ma'am. - Thank you, dear.
Edgar, darling.
The FBI has just arrested John Arlington in Arizona.
What was he doing in Arizona?
I have a suspicion he was getting ready to flee across the Mexican border.
He was wearing several of Antoinette's diamond bracelets.
They are formally charging him with the murder of your step-daughter.
I'm going out there to see him.
Has he confessed?
At the time of his arrest he was suffering from amoebic dysentery and...
...wasn't able to talk.
As soon as he confesses, I want you to file a petition...
...requesting me to be named benefactor of the estate.
Of course.
Eloise!
I want to extend my deepest sympathy in this hour of tragedy.
That is sweet of you, Edgar.
Just do what I told you.
Simple.
Miss Lily, would you like a blindfold?
Oh no, Bronco Billy.
For you most certainly are the finest marksman in all the West.
Very well.
But I will wear one.
Must you, Bronco Billy?
Are you ready, Miss Lily?
Yes, Bronco Billy.
Spin the wheel.
Next time you change the dialogue on that piece of paper...
...you're fired!
How dare you come in here!
Where's that piece of paper?
I'm not accustomed to being yelled at!
Where's that piece of paper?
There!
I say, "Would you like a blindfold, Miss Lily?"
You say, "No, Bronco Billy, because you're the best shot."
Not, "the best marksman"!
And when I say, "I'll use one," where does it say:
"Must you, Bronco Billy?" It doesn't say that here, does it!
No!
Every assistant I've had for the last 10 years...
...has said exactly what's on this paper! That's the way I want it continued!
Do you understand?
And another thing, I own this tent!
Are you finished with your little speech?
Yes, I'm finished!
I do not work for you!
And if you ever raise your voice to me again, I will scratch out your eyes!
Are we camping here tonight or moving on?
We're hitting the trail, now!
He is a madman!
Is he?
John Arlington, I am going to murder you for doing this to me!
How's Buster feeling?
Kind of poorly, Doc.
It's just his arthritis acting up again.
I'll give him a couple of swigs of my snakebite remedy.
Just fix the old boy up, just like new.
One of these days we'll get that ranch. Old Buster can go out to pasture.
Running Water was telling me about the run in you had with Miss Lily.
I say good riddance to that woman. She just couldn't cut the bacon.
I'm glad she got out of the frying pan before I wasted that much time on her.
It's a shame, because I thought she did pretty good for her first show.
She couldn't take orders.
I gave her the piece of paper and she couldn't memorize her words.
But she was a damn good shot.
I don't want to talk about her, ever again.
Okay, you're the boss.
She got her ride to the next town and her breakfast on the house.
Mighty kind of you.
Her kind don't want to work.
No wonder her husband ran off and left her.
Excuse me, miss.
"Heiress murdered."
Can I see the Sports section?
You may!
Thank you.
'Bye, ma'am.
Goodbye, Miss Lily.
It's too bad you can't come along with us.
So long. Happy trails.
You have a visitor from New York.
Is it my wife?
Hello, Edgar.
You've got five minutes.
You're looking well.
That's easy for you to say! You don't have amoebic dysentery!
I've known Antoinette since she was just a little girl...
...and believe me, I don't blame you...
...for murdering her.
But I didn't murder that cold-blooded viper!
The sooner you confess, the sooner we can all benefit.
Benefit?
I know how much you must have loved her to have done such a thing.
But the living must go on living.
What has happened, has happened.
I'm facing the electric chair...
...or something...
...and you're standing here talking about "the living must go on living"!
I guarantee...
...that if you plead temporary insanity...
...you won't spend more than three years in a mental institution.
What are you getting at?
If you confess to Antoinette's murder...
...the day that you are released from the institution...
...you will receive half a million dollars.
But what if they don't buy that and I go to the electric chair anyway...
...or something?
They will buy it.
I can arrange anything. You know that.
But those mental institutions, they're supposed to be maddening.
I know of some out here that have tennis courts and swimming pools...
...your own private room, color TV...
...maid service.
$500,000?
How much is that after taxes?
Well, if you invest wisely, you won't have to pay a dime.
I didn't mean to kill her, but she was driving me crazy.
What are you doing here?
You still need an assistant, don't you?
I'm the head ramrod. I give the orders.
Yes, Bronco Billy.
Get out of this truck.
Why? Aren't we heading down the old trail?
You got to prove that you can work hard before you ride with the head ramrod.
I do, do I?
Do you want the job or don't you?
Is that your real name, Lefty?
What's it to you?
Well, I was just trying to make time pass more quickly.
Why do you want to make the time pass quickly?
Because I find life rather boring. Don't you?
Nope!
Well, I can see we have very little to talk about.
I reckon not.
Light me.
Leonard, how long have you been with Bronco Billy?
Must be going on nine years.
Oh, please.
Did your father teach you your little lasso tricks?
My father taught me nothing.
My father gave me nothing but whippings.
Billy taught me everything I know. He gave me a home.
That's very touching.
I don't know where you come from...
...but they must not have given you much love when you was a little girl.
Well, it's good to be back.
I'm hungry!
You're always hungry. Let's set up the big tent before we put on the feedbag.
Big tent, let's get it.
What would you like for me to do?
You go help the boys.
What are you going to do?
I do the thinking around here.
I hadn't noticed!
Chief...
Excuse me.
Is everything all fixed up?
We still have some patch work to do on the tent.
All right. Good.
I don't want you to get bit by those rattlesnakes anymore.
Why don't you use the gopher snakes? That's what I bought the damn things for.
- Tell him. He'll understand. - I hope so.
Tell me what?
Spit it out. That's what I'm here for, is to help.
Running Water's gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna be an uncle?
You ain't mad?
Mad? That's the best news I've ever heard!
We know money's tight.
We got to get a trailer for you and some clothes for the little pard.
What's all the shooting about?
Big Eagle and Running Water are gonna have a baby.
Why don't we get into our duds and go into town and raise some hell?
We plan to name the little critter Billy.
Well, I'm really honored.
In fact, what we'll have to do is get a raise for you when the critter's born.
Thanks, Boss.
Here's a toast to the fastest gun in the West, Bronco Billy.
Bottoms up.
Miss Lily, why don't you put a little fire between your legs and join in?
I've matched you beer for beer all night.
You're the coldest fish I've ever met!
How dare you call me a fish!
"How dare you call me a fish!" You are, you know!
You don't know how to have fun.
You call your life fun?
Your daddy should've taken a belt to your backside...
...when you were little and you'd have had some respect.
My father was a great man.
He went to heaven when I was 9 years old.
I'm sorry, I didn't know that.
Yes, there's a whole wide world you don't know about, Mr. Bronco Billy.
Mr. Bronco Billy, I'll walk over to the bar and introduce myself to that fine lady.
People are such idiots.
Go ahead, let the tears fall in that beer.
- I'm not crying. - Nothing's wrong with crying.
The smoke in here is hurting my eyes!
Did you ever think what it would be like to be nice to folks?
Folks just want to take.
Girl, you sure are mixed up.
No, I'm not.
Miss Lily, get up!
Why?
'Cause I want to dance with you, that's why.
Dance?
Come on.
Once you take the first step or two, it's easy.
If you could only shoot straight.
I can outshoot you any day of the week.
You sure are pretty.
I bet you say that to all the girls, Bronco Billy.
How dare you!
Jesus, I only kissed you.
Watch it, lady!
Don't shove the lady.
You stay out of this!
We're family! We fight together! We stick together!
- On second thought, I'll stick with you. - Good idea.
We're gonna take a five-minute break.
Don't go away.
Hey, pretty thing, how about a little old drink?
Get lost!